Five Things We Will Learn
- Affection is not merely emotional. Healthy, loving touch and secure relationships have measurable effects on human development and well-being.
- God created human beings for loving connection. When legitimate needs for affection and belonging are chronically denied, people do not simply cease needing them.
- “Passion denied perverts.” What God designed for healthy expression can become distorted when it is suppressed, shamed, neglected, or driven underground.
- Jesus demonstrated visible, relational love. He welcomed children, touched people others avoided, received closeness from His disciples, and commanded His followers to love one another.
- The Church should be a counterculture of healthy affection. Christian community should model genuine love, appropriate touch, honor, safety, belonging, and family-like relationships.
The Culture That Starved Itself
Every culture decides what touch means.
Some treat it as weakness. Some treat it as dangerous. Some sexualize nearly every form of physical affection. Others turn affection into a transaction, something given only when another person performs correctly.
But the human body does not necessarily obey a culture’s rules.
When healthy affection is withheld, especially from children, the consequences can extend beyond hurt feelings. Severe relational deprivation in childhood has been associated with disturbances in physical growth, development, stress regulation, and attachment.
A child can receive food and shelter and still desperately need to be held, comforted, spoken to tenderly, smiled at, welcomed, protected, and loved.
God did not create us as machines that merely require calories, oxygen, and sleep.
He created us for relationship.
From the beginning, God said:
“It is not good for the man to be alone.”
Genesis 2:18
That truth reaches beyond marriage. Human beings were created for relationship with God and meaningful relationship with one another.
When a culture systematically removes healthy affection, it may congratulate itself for becoming stronger, safer, or more sophisticated.
But it may actually be starving itself.
What the Evidence Shows
Some of the clearest evidence comes from children who experienced extreme deprivation.
Children raised in severely deprived institutional settings, including Romania’s orphanage system during the communist era, became important subjects of research into what happens when children receive basic physical care without the consistent nurturing relationships normally found in healthy families.
Research into severe psychosocial deprivation has documented associations with impaired growth and development. Historically, conditions involving growth failure in profoundly deprived children have been described with terms such as psychosocial short stature or psychosocial dwarfism.
And something remarkable has been repeatedly observed in severely deprived children:
Change the relational environment, and children can begin recovering.
The human organism was not designed merely to be maintained.
It was designed to be loved.
Affection communicates something food cannot.
You belong.
You are safe.
You matter.
Someone sees you.
Someone is glad you are here.
A healthy embrace can communicate in seconds what paragraphs sometimes cannot.
This is not an argument that touch alone cures every developmental problem, nor that every person wants or experiences touch in the same way. It is something more fundamental:
Human beings were created for loving relationship.
“Passion Denied Perverts”
There is another side to this that our culture desperately needs to understand.
Years ago, I heard a statement that has stayed with me:
“Passion denied perverts.”
Think about that.
God creates legitimate desires, passions, affections, and relational needs within human beings.
The answer is not to pretend those desires do not exist.
The answer is to bring them under God’s design.
When something God intended to have a healthy expression is continually denied, shamed, suppressed, or forced underground, it does not necessarily disappear. It can become distorted.
Passion denied can become passion redirected.
A boy who is taught that tenderness between men is somehow shameful may still desperately hunger for affirmation from a father, friendship with other men, and brotherhood.
A girl who grows up without appropriate affection may still long to know that she is treasured, safe, and worthy of love.
A husband and wife who cease expressing affection may discover that emotional distance does not eliminate their need for intimacy.
A young person raised in an emotionally sterile environment does not suddenly stop wanting connection.
The hunger remains.
And wherever there is legitimate hunger without healthy provision, counterfeit suppliers eventually appear.
Pornography offers imitation intimacy.
Promiscuity offers momentary physical contact without covenant.
Digital relationships can simulate companionship.
Manipulative people can exploit loneliness.
A culture can sexualize ordinary affection until people become afraid of healthy touch, and then offer sexualized substitutes everywhere.
That is the tragedy.
We eliminate the healthy expression and then act surprised when unhealthy expressions multiply.
“Passion denied perverts.”
That does not mean deprivation automatically causes sexual sin, addiction, or any particular behavior. Each person remains morally responsible for his or her choices. Nor does it mean every desire should be indulged. Scripture repeatedly teaches us to deny sinful desires.
The distinction is crucial.
God does not call us to suppress what He created as good. He calls us to govern it according to His purposes.
There is a tremendous difference between denying sinful passion and denying God-designed affection.
One produces holiness.
The other can produce unnecessary isolation, confusion, and vulnerability to counterfeits.
When Everything Becomes Sexualized
One of the strangest consequences of an oversexualized culture is that it can become uncomfortable with ordinary affection.
A father embraces his son.
Two brothers in Christ embrace.
A mother holds her grown daughter.
Friends tell one another, “I love you.”
Someone puts an arm around a grieving friend.
None of these things is inherently sexual.
They are human.
Yet when a society increasingly interprets physical closeness through a sexual lens, healthy affection can begin disappearing at precisely the moment unhealthy sexual imagery becomes unavoidable.
That is backwards.
Scripture presents something very different.
Paul repeatedly told believers to greet one another with a holy kiss (Romans 16:16; 1 Corinthians 16:20; 2 Corinthians 13:12; 1 Thessalonians 5:26).
Notice the word holy.
Christian affection was neither erotic nor suspicious.
It was sanctified.
The answer to corrupted affection is not no affection.
The answer is holy affection.
The Anomaly of Jesus
Jesus lived in a culture that was considerably more physically expressive than much of modern Western society.
People reclined together while eating. Greetings could involve kisses. Friends embraced. People publicly wept together.
Yet even in that world, the ministry of Jesus demonstrated something extraordinary about physical presence.
People continually wanted to touch Him.
Mark tells us:
“For he had healed many, so that those with diseases were pushing forward to touch him.”
Mark 3:10
Then there was the woman who had suffered from bleeding for twelve years.
She thought:
“If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.”
Mark 5:28
She touched Him.
Jesus immediately knew that power had gone out from Him.
This was far beyond ordinary social affection. These were miraculous encounters with the Son of God.
But they also reveal something beautiful about Jesus.
He was approachable.
People who had been rejected came near Him.
Children came near Him.
The sick came near Him.
The grieving came near Him.
The socially unacceptable came near Him.
Jesus was not emotionally sterile.
Jesus Took the Children in His Arms
Perhaps one of the clearest pictures comes when people brought children to Jesus.
The disciples tried to stop them.
Jesus became indignant.
He said:
“Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.”
Mark 10:14
Then Scripture tells us what Jesus actually did:
“And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them.”
Mark 10:16
Do not move past that too quickly.
Jesus took children into His arms.
He put His hands upon them.
He blessed them.
The Son of God demonstrated affection physically.
The children were not an interruption to His ministry.
Loving them was ministry.
John Leaned Close to Jesus
Then consider the Last Supper.
John describes one disciple as:
“reclining next to him.”
John 13:23
The traditional dining posture of the period placed people physically close together. Yet John’s Gospel repeatedly emphasizes the unique closeness of this disciple to Jesus.
There was relationship.
There was trust.
There was belonging.
There was affection.
Jesus was preparing to go to the cross, and surrounding Him was not an institution.
It was a table.
Friends.
Disciples.
Relationship.
That should tell us something about the Church He was establishing.
The Command, Not the Suggestion
Jesus did not leave Christian love to personality type.
He commanded it.
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.”
John 13:34
Notice the standard:
“As I have loved you.”
Then Jesus says:
“By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
John 13:35
The identifying characteristic Jesus gave His disciples was visible love.
The New Testament then explodes with the “one another” life of the Church.
Love one another.
Serve one another.
Encourage one another.
Forgive one another.
Carry each other’s burdens.
Honor one another.
Accept one another.
Build one another up.
Pray for one another.
Confess to one another.
Be devoted to one another.
Live in harmony with one another.
This is not decorative trim around Christianity.
It is structural.
You cannot live the “one another” commands by yourself.
Christianity was never designed as Jesus plus isolation.
Related:
The Church as Family
This is why Scripture continually uses family language for believers.
Brothers.
Sisters.
Fathers.
Mothers.
Children.
Paul tells Timothy:
“Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.”
1 Timothy 5:1-2
There is the balance.
Family affection.
Absolute purity.
We do not have to choose between warmth and holiness.
We are commanded to have both.
That may be precisely what our culture has forgotten.
Some have responded to sexual immorality by becoming suspicious of affection itself.
But biblical Christianity offers something far better:
Affection without exploitation.
Closeness without manipulation.
Love without lust.
Touch without taking.
Relationship without possession.
Family with absolute purity.
Healthy Affection Also Requires Honor
Of course, loving affection must never become an excuse for ignoring another person’s boundaries.
Not everyone experiences touch identically.
Someone who has experienced trauma may need considerable time before physical affection feels safe. Some people naturally prefer less physical contact. Children should never be forced to hug or kiss someone to satisfy an adult’s expectations.
Christian affection does not demand access to another person’s body.
Love honors.
Love listens.
Love protects.
Love never manipulates someone into physical contact by saying, “If you loved me, you would let me hug you.”
That is not affection.
That is coercion.
The goal is not to manufacture a culture where everyone must constantly touch everyone else.
The goal is a community so secure in genuine love that healthy affection can exist without fear, sexualization, manipulation, or shame.
Parents, Do Not Starve Your Children of Affection
Parents should understand the enormous privilege God has entrusted to them.
Your children need more than correction.
They need affection.
Tell them you love them.
Hold them.
Hug them.
Sit beside them.
Look into their eyes when they speak.
Celebrate them.
Comfort them when they hurt.
Let your sons know that tenderness does not make them weak.
Let your daughters experience appropriate affection that teaches them they do not have to surrender themselves sexually in order to be held and valued.
Fathers especially should understand this.
Do not make your children wander into adulthood starving for something God intended them to receive safely at home.
Give them affection freely.
Give them affirmation freely.
Give them your presence freely.
Let home become the place where they first learn:
This is what safe love feels like.
The Church Must Refuse to Starve Itself
The Church should be the community that refuses to starve itself.
In a lonely, suspicious, increasingly digital world, followers of Jesus should demonstrate another way to live.
Not reckless touch.
Not inappropriate familiarity.
Not forced affection.
Not emotional dependency.
Not sexualized relationships disguised as ministry.
Holy affection.
Parents loving children.
Husbands and wives loving each other.
Brothers loving brothers.
Sisters loving sisters.
Spiritual fathers and mothers caring for spiritual sons and daughters.
Friends sitting with one another in grief.
Believers rejoicing together.
People praying together.
Meals shared around tables.
Tears that are not embarrassing.
Laughter that is not restrained.
An arm around someone who is hurting, when welcomed.
A genuine embrace that says, “I am glad you are here.”
This is family.
This is part of what the Church was always supposed to be.
Love Must Become Visible
We can preach love while remaining emotionally distant.
We can sing about love while barely knowing the people standing beside us.
We can attend the same gathering for years without ever carrying one another’s burdens.
But Jesus gave us something much more demanding than a doctrine of love.
He commanded us to love one another.
Love eventually becomes visible.
It speaks.
It serves.
It gives.
It listens.
It forgives.
It protects.
It stays.
It comforts.
And, when appropriate and welcomed, it embraces.
The world does not need another counterfeit version of intimacy.
It needs to see what love looks like when Jesus governs it.
Perhaps one reason our culture is consuming so many artificial substitutes for intimacy is because genuine relationship has become increasingly scarce.
The answer is not to become less loving because love has been corrupted.
The answer is to become more like Jesus.
Because if it is true that:
“Passion denied perverts,”
then the Church has an extraordinary responsibility.
We must not deny what God designed.
We must redeem it.
We must model affection without lust, intimacy without exploitation, closeness without control, relationship without manipulation, and love governed by holiness.
Jesus did not tell His disciples merely to believe that love was important.
He commanded:
“As I have loved you, so you must love one another.”
John 13:34
And then He told us what would happen when we did:
“By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
John 13:35
A church that withholds genuine affection can forget something essential about what it is.
But a church that loves genuinely, safely, honorably, visibly, and freely begins to look like Jesus.
Not because the hugs are impressive.
Because the love is real.
Begin Your Journey Today
Jesus didn’t just call us to believe in Him—He called us to follow Him.
Step into the life He designed for you through Emmaus Road’s The Commands of Jesus . This is more than learning—it’s an invitation to walk with Him, obey Him, and experience Him in a real and powerful way.
You don’t want to miss this exciting adventure Jesus has called you into.
Start now:
https://GregLancaster.org/StartHere
Begin Your Journey Today
Jesus didn’t just call us to believe in Him—He called us to follow Him.
Step into the life He designed for you through Emmaus Road’s The Commands of Jesus . This is more than learning—it’s an invitation to walk with Him, obey Him, and experience Him in a real and powerful way.
You don’t want to miss this exciting adventure Jesus has called you into.
Start now:
https://GregLancaster.org/StartHere