Dear Gym,
I hope that you are doing well. Long time no see. I have good memories of how we were so good together. You helped me feel so much better, built up my core strength, and basically gave me more energy and better rest. I miss those times. Okay, not the actual times, but believe it or not, they weren’t that bad compared to the benefits I received from our relationship.
I hope you are still getting the support I send you each month and that it is helping you meet your expenses. I know we were better together, but sometimes we just grow apart, live separate lives, and have to call it what it is. You decided to continue to operate as you always have, and I decided to no longer do the things we used to do together.
I remember our long walks together. One time I remember walking us up that mountain together. The incline was so high. What was the name of that mountain again? Mount Treadmill?
Each time I’d go see you, I felt so bad, like, “Oh no, here we go again,” but once I got with you and started doing the things you suggested, I always felt so much better.
I’ve got to admit, every time I pass you in my car, I feel guilty for not seeing you. I was in Lowe’s the other day, and I ran into Miguel. He talked about seeing you on a regular basis, still. It reminded me of how good I used to feel when we would see each other on a regular basis.
Anyway, I’m hoping to start seeing you again at the beginning of the year. I just need to wrap up my relationship with Cornbread, who I had the chance to be with this Thanksgiving, and also Cookie this Christmas. But after that, I’m done with this life. I will be back! I’m just hoping you’ll forgive me for going astray, wandering around with Candy at Walmart and my affair with Dorito and Oreo. I’m committed to cutting them off and only having a relationship with you.
I will also start avoiding Processed, who always seemed so good when we spent time together but causes me such pain afterward. Now that John F. Kennedy Jr. is making America healthy again, exposing Processed and all her deceitful schemes to trap us in her web, everyone knows we should stay away from her. She’s bad news and is always lurking in the inner circle of every grocery stores.
I’ve found better friends. Yes, they hang out at almost every grocery store, but they never mingle with Processed. As a matter of fact, they are so committed to avoiding a toxic relationship with Processed that they only stay along the outer walls of the store. They know better than to mess with Delilah and Processed, who can take down even the strongest among us—need I remind you of Samson? I hear those who get into relationships with them have a longer, healthy relationship and grow old together.
I am committed this time, and you can start counting on me.
Sincerely,
Fat
PS. Just in case it doesn’t work out again, please know I will keep sending you support each month to help you with your expenses. It’s the only thing that helps me feel somewhat connected to you.